It’s been hard to sit down and put words to my feelings about this new Covid-19 way of life. Partly because my feelings are all over the map. But also because the news is changing so quickly (and somehow also not at all?). Five weeks ago we were wondering how in the world we’d weather a two-week school closure and I was conceding to Shane, “Ok, we’ll skip dinner at our the Rusts’ house just this week, until this whole thing blows overâ€. And now school is closed for the rest of the year and I feel like I may never hug Nancy or La Verne again! I’m in an emotional tailspin, feeling ups, downs, and every-which-ways every 15 minutes. I’m loving the extra time at home after a season of being away so much, but am increasingly desperate to be out and about. I’m thankful we’ve stayed healthy and absolutely believe that we can get through this, but I’m frustrated and bitter about all the missing-out, about the cancellation of the kindergarten musical and the Easter service at church. One moment I’m listless, unable to extract myself from the couch, and then I’m suddenly swept up in a frantic bout of doing, cleaning the house with a vigor that’s almost manic. I’m tired. A little worried. And lately pretty lonely. The drama of it all overwhelmed me last Sunday as we joined our Easter church service from our couch and Matt sang Waymaker and I saw La Verne in a little square on the upper left corner of our TV playing her cello from her music room. I missed our church and being in the physical presence of people so much that I couldn’t help the tears from spilling over. This quiet retreat into the cozy enclave of our home was nice for a couple of weeks, but I think I’m done now. Over it.
Juliette’s done, too – she came home from playing with the neighbor kids outside later that day and when I asked her about the chip crumb on her mouth (we’ve had so many talks about not sharing snacks right now), she started to sob, wracked with a wave of guilt. “I’m so sorry! It’s just hard, Mommy! I want it to be like it was! I’m sorry! I won’t play with anyone else until the virus goes away, I promise…I’m sorry!” She then stormed down the hallway, slammed her bedroom door, flung herself onto her bed, and yelled “I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE!” when I knocked gently on her door. This damn virus has turned my little girl into a brooding teenager! She eventually let me in and I held her close and then Shane entered a few minutes later to find us both weeping. Happy Easter, folks!
But like we sang that earlier that morning,
You made a way
When our backs were against the wall
And it looked as if it was over
You made a way
There’s a way through this. I don’t know what that looks like or when full relief will come, but God will make a way. Maybe God’s making a way right now, even as we’re in the thick of it? Maybe this is the way, piecing together a slap-dash homeschool schedule and savoring the beauty of our own backyard and scheduling Zoom calls with our family and friends?
We winged the first two days of homeschool, but after being interrupted by Juliette every seven minutes because she was bored or couldn’t find her colored pencils or wanted to show us the spider outside her window, we found we needed more structure. Shane laid it all out in half-hour increments. Piano, writing, snack, art, science, lunch, math, reading, RECESS. On the best days we hit five out of six subjects. On the worst days, which are usually the days when Shane and I are busiest with work, Juliette ping-pongs between us until we finally send her outside to see if she can rustle up some outdoor playtime with the neighbors. It’s hard. But the moments when I’m able to work with her quietly working alongside me? Those are the best.
Science scrounge: basement constellations.
Juliette misses her teachers and her classmates fiercely and has taken to writing letters to them each day. I loved this note for her teacher…”Luckily I am just a few blocks away. Feel free to drop a letter off…” She’s so subtle.
Juliette’s school holds an online “assembly” every day for all the kids and the principal reads a book or the art teacher leads an activity or the school counselor takes a poll on how everyone is feeling. I do enjoy peeking over her shoulder, getting to see her school’s leaders in action.
Juliette had her first call with her class last week and her teacher asked everyone to wear a hat for show and tell. This kid took the challenge all the way!
The utmost kudos to Shane for truly channeling his inner teacher. I knew he was good, but he’s good. He leads Juliette through piano lessons each morning and sets aside time with her each afternoon to work on projects for the coding class she’s taking.
Meanwhile, I bake with her. Measuring flour counts for math, I guess?
I think, I hope, we’re finding our rhythm. I can see Juliette becoming ever-so-slightly more independent, able to enjoy time on her own for 20 or 30-minute stretches. Last week I came into her room and found that she’d converted her bed into a boat and was ready to cruise the world, with a plastic plate for a ship’s wheel and an Easter basket full of snacks.
And at the end of the day, even after it feels like I’ve told her 47 times that I don’t have time to play with her, she still likes me! Sweet, forgiving child. At bedtime, after I tuck her in, she begs me to stay and cuddle, because “she’ll miss me so much!” I’m more than ready for a god-dang break by 8pm, but Juliette, I appreciate the sentiment.
Finally, on Fridays, we toast with white wine and ginger ale, celebrating the fact that we made it another week.
Like much of the world, we’re leaning on technology to connect us with our nearest and dearest. Church online, virtual happy hours and breakfasts with the gang, Zoom calls with the family…while it’s no substitute for spending time together in the flesh, it’s something.
Thankfully, thankfully the weather has been good enough to be outdoors and we’ve done lots of exploring in our neighborhood. We scaled a large hill near Me Kwa Mooks with our neighbors last month and came across a couple of surprise rope swings.
And the blooms. The blooms! I lamented the fact that we missed the UW cherry blossoms this year, but West Seattle is full of pink and white.
Our backyard hit peak magic last week, color-wise, and has been the perfect place to eat lunch al fresco, or to send Juliette outside to burn off some wiggles.
This is the view from where I work – while these girls are sitting a little too close together, still, I’m thankful for neighborhood playmates.
I’ve been impressed with how good the kids are at finding things to do outdoors. For example, the burial and memorial tribute to the bird that crashed into our window and died took up a good couple of hours while I was tied up on a work call.
We dusted off our fire pit a couple of weeks ago and have loved ending the day with sunset s’mores.
Plus, our back porch is perfect for P.E.!
…and…snow angels?
I mentioned the big emotions Easter Sunday brought, but in between the crying there was a very sweet egg hunt and some cherished family time. Plus, Juliette loved having an excuse to put on a dress and tights and raid her dress-up drawer for her bunny ears.
I wonder what my lasting memories of this virus will be. Probably people in masks. Playgrounds strung with caution tape. Working nights to make up for days full of distractions. But also, this. Family togetherness like we’ve never known before and likely won’t ever experience again. Inconvenient, patience-testing, love-filled, restorative togetherness. I’m here for it.
