little black journal

The annual roundup!  Such a fun post to write, as it’s entirely about joy – songs and movies and moments that have made me happy throughout the year.  JOY 2023:

Favorite book:

20 books last year!  A bit short of my goal of 24 books, but still a good mix of poetry, non-fiction, memoir, and fiction.

 

Favorite book of all was A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman.  This one has been on my list to read for several years and I’m so glad I picked it up!  Sweet and funny and sad – all the feels.  I love a book that can make me both chuckle and cry in the space of a few pages.

Favorite non-fiction was You Could Make This Place Beautiful by Maggie Smith, because it was such an artful blend of memoir and poetry, so rich with metaphors that have stuck with me since I picked it up.  We are indeed all nesting dolls, carrying many versions of ourselves as we go through life.  

 

Favorite TV show:

Ok, I know 2023 saw the series finale of Succession and I know The Bear is brilliant, but dang it – I LOVED watching Survivor Seasons 44 and 45 with Shane and Juliette last year.  Drama and suspense and excitement and oh, we love a good blindside.  So fun for the three of us to tune in together each week.

 

Favorite movie:

Barbie!  I didn’t mind so much when Shane drew the long straw and got to take Juliette to see this in the theater while I stayed home with Isaac, but then he came home all bright-eyed, calling it one of the best movies he’d seen in the last few years, and my interest was piqued.  We streamed this at home for family movie night as soon as it was available, and I concur with Shane.  Such a smart, funny film, cloaked in plastic and pink.  And that beautiful memory montage at the end with the Billie Eilish song!  More tears.

 

Favorite podcast:

I’m in a podcast funk and grasping at straws here, but Armchair Expert became my fallback when I was looking for an easy listen and I do give credit to Monica and Dax for giving one hell of an interview.  Jon Batiste!  Trevor Noah!  And that hour with Gabor Mate – so good.

 

Favorite song:

OK, I could easily wax poetic about Taylor Swift again, but I’m going to going to break the mold on this one and give a shout-out to Fast Car by Luke Combs.  I KNOW.  But there’s a piece of nostalgia here, as I remember the Tracy Chapman version from the 90’s and this country-fied version does something for me.  Juliette loves it, too, and as the two of us were cruising around together right before the holidays, running our final gift-getting errands, this song came up on our Music station and we crooned together and it was a moment.  

 

Favorite purchase:

Previous favorite purchases have been a new car, or a new house, or new eyeballs (that Lasik was worth every penny!), and I’m feeling like it’s time to consider what it is I’ve loved that didn’t cost thousands of dollars…  I reach for this necklace nearly every morning as I’m getting dressed.  I purchased it as a birthday gift to myself when in Paris with Juliette, and I rub this gold disc between thumb and forefinger and remember that best week with my best girl, our strolls through the Marais where we’d stop for a Coke and Spritz on a whim, or a gelato if we wanted an extra treat.  Memory in French is Souvenir, and what a lovely souvenir this has been.

 

Favorite personal pastime:

I joined Juliette in her Duolingo French lessons after we booked our trip to Paris, knowing I was in major need of a refresher, and I’m hooked.  I love this app, love the way it makes a game out of learning.  I particularly appreciate that it’s given me a way to more productively use my time when I’m on the bus and find myself with antsy phone fingers.  Down with Instagram!  Vive la Francais.

 

Favorite family pastime:

This one feels a little tough – we do a lot of tag-team parenting these days and I love watching old Gilmore Girls or Parenthood episodes with Juliette, love taking Isaac for neighborhood walks in search of simple treasures, but the four of us?  I’m coming up short!  Family game night is a ways away, and we have yet to brave tent camping with Isaac, but how about our family dinners?  They’re not necessarily always a ball, but we all sit around the table together for six or seven nights a week to share a meal.  That’s no small feat, with work and sports and a toddler that comes home from daycare at 4:30pm hangry as all get-out.  But we’re showing up for each other and more nights than not, there’s laughter over Isaac’s goofy facial expressions or excitement over whatever feat Juliette accomplished at school that day.  I’m proud of us.

 

And, favorite moments…

Nothing beats a chubby babe in a puffy snowsuit.  Was this really just a year ago?!

 

We hit the Suncadia playground really hard that weekend.

 

From snow to sand!  So fun to watch Isaac fall in love with the ocean.

 

Quite possibly our favorite place on earth.

 

Maui is magic, but home is good, too.  Long live the gray chair.

 

The chillest day on Vashon.

 

Lots of bonus Grandma time last year.  So thankful for my parents.

 

A lovely day out on the sand spit with the kiddos while Shane and Jason dominated the Sequim pickleball scene.

 

A very classic Idaho Fourth.

 

And Idaho popsicles to boot.

 

My best gardening buddy.

 

Ok, I wasn’t here for this, but this most certainly makes Juliette’s top 2023 moments!  Legend.

 

Pontoons and fishing boats are cool, but Grandpa’s golf cart took the cake.

 

The most delightful of snack times.

 

Reunited.

 

And some gorgeous early mornings on the river with my boy while all those folks above slept in!

 

He’s TWO!

 

Summer’s last gasps…

 

Evening walks.

 

And early mornings.

 

And she’s TEN!

 

Apples and hay rides and a corn maze.  Shane danced in the corn maze with a corn husk tail and we laughed till our sides hurt.

 

How to capture a week in Paris with a single photo?!  That first evening on the Seine, though…

 

A weekend of remembering all the very best things about my grandma.

 

This girl ended soccer season with such a bang.  

 

New holiday traditions.

 

Old traditions with a new twist.

 

Play it, Jules!

 

COZY.

 

And bright. 

 

Family movie night, capital F.

 

Cousins!

 

And a year-end filled with so much love.

 

On with the business of 2024.

The annual roundup!  2022 started quiet as my maternity leave and long days at home wound down, but life seemed to pick up speed as the year went on and now I’m reeling over the fact that Juliette’s third grade year is nearly half over.  And were those tulips I saw in the Trader Joes flower aisle on Sunday?!  Some days were long, but dang, the year was fast.  Below is the best of the best…

 

Favorite book:

24 books last year!  A new record for me!  And a good mix of poetry, non-fiction, memoir, and fiction.  

Favorite book of all was A Gentleman in Moscow by Amor Towles.  It’s the fictional story of a charming man placed under house arrest in a famed Moscow hotel and it just…swept me up.  

Favorite non-fiction was The Line Becomes a River by Francisco Cantu, because for as many times as I’ve heard the phrase “crisis at the border”, I haven’t spent enough time considering the humans at the center of that crisis.  Cantu makes it real.  

 

Favorite TV show:

Top honors to Bad Sisters.  I started this on a whim one evening after the kids were in bed, put it away for a few weeks, and after watching episode 2 on a morning when I had the house to myself, I followed with episodes 3, 4, 5 that very same day…such dark, smart humor.  Such love among sisters.  Such intense, intense hatred for the villain!  The mark of good character development.

 

Favorite movie:

CODA!  This movie was beautiful and sweet and shed new light for me on life without hearing.  The main character (who is not hearing-impaired) is an incredible singer, but can’t fully share her talent with her deaf parents and brother.  That scene in the auditorium through the mother’s eyes when all is perfectly silent – so powerful.  And when the dad puts his hands on his daughter’s vocal cords to feel her sing You Are All I Need to Get By.  I smiled and cried and felt all the things.

Honorable mention to Nope, even though I watched a good portion of it with my face hidden behind a blanket, but sometimes being scared is fun.

 

Favorite podcast:

Top honors to Glennon Doyle’s We Can Do Hard Things.  I admit, I don’t listen to all the episodes (I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to unpack all the things!), but I’ve loved her handful of parenting-focused episodes with Dr. Becky and really love the glimpse I get of how her and Abby do life together.

 

Favorite song:

You know it!  T-Swift again!  And I’m not gonna apologize.  Everyone in our family has loved the album Midnights a little more with each additional listen and I’m smitten with Maroon in particular.  It’s a bop.  

 

Favorite purchase:

I got new eyeballs last year!  Or at least it they felt new after I finished my Lasik surgery in October.  And it’s been a game-changer.  To wash my face and brush my teeth and then just go to bed, without the fuss of contacts!  To SEE in the morning, without fumbling for my glasses!  I’m a new woman.

 

Favorite personal pastime:

I’ve been working on carving out a couple hours of solo coffee shop time every week or two, to read or write with a latte in hand and it’s been life-giving on a level that’s almost ridiculous.  But do you know what my favorite way to pass the time was in 2022?  I super-duper loved my naps with Isaac in our cozy gray chair.  I know, it’s hardly personal time and it’s hardly a hobby, but it’s how I chose to spend so many of my afternoons and I don’t regret any of it.  It’s not a pastime that will make it on this list any other year going forward, so I’m doubling down on all those times I chose not to put him in his crib.  Plus, all the reading I got done as he dozed in my arms!  When do you think I plowed through those 24 books?

 

Favorite family pastime:

Our summer family bike rides to the library and the brewery and the swimming pool were a sweet Sunday ritual.  I love these people and I love that clunky orange Rad Wagon and I love where we live.

 

And, favorite moments…

A magical, misty morning in Winthrop.

 

Maternity leave coffee walks with my boy.

 

Watching big sis show little bro the world.  Or the local playgrounds, at least.

 

An Alki nursing session while Juliette danced in the sand.

 

MAUI.

 

We’ve got a crawler!

 

Softball Saturdays.

 

Proud Mama moment.

 

On those days that I had him nap in his crib, I was rewarded post-sleep with the sweetest of smiles.

 

An Idaho Fourth.

 

A Mama-Jules hike.

 

So many sibling couch cuddles.

 

Summer days at Colman Pool, where Juliette passed her first swim test!

 

The loveliest sunset paddle with my best first mate.

 

Our smiles say it all.  This was BIG.

 

But also, it’s the little things.

 

The dreamiest Bainbridge Weekend.

 

The happiest of reunions.

 

He’s ONE!

 

Sunset fishing to cap off our best-yet trip to Minnesota.

 

And she’s NINE!

 

Evening walks with my little buddies.

 

The best birthday bike ride.

 

Autumn joy.

 

Sometimes he’s so happy it’s silly.

 

And we’ve got a walker!

 

A cozy, quiet Thanksgiving.

 

The prettiest tree hunt.

 

A most favorite tradition.

 

Girlie is growing up and I’m here for it!

 

Sharing the Christmas magic.

 

Sometimes it’s fun to leave the baby at home.

 

CHEERS.

 

I’m feeling that familiar mix of gratitude and melancholy in looking back at a year gone by.  Oh, this season has been been full…full of joy and exhaustion and laughter and runny noses and so much heart-bursting love as we fall harder for our fourth wheel.  Sometimes I fear that life will never be this sweet again.  And that’s probably true – I’m not sure that baby snuggles can be topped on the sweetness scale.  But I also know in my core that there is more ahead.  More pool days and sibling shenanigans and sunset paddles and hopefully more sleep.  There’s definitely more.

I know in this era of self-grace and simplification (both good things) resolutions are becoming less popular, but I’m still a sucker for the practice of January goal-setting – it brings a sort of purpose and hopefulness to what is otherwise a pretty dreary month. Here’s my 2022 look-ahead (and for the record, I think I’ve gone pretty easy on myself).

Drink tea before coffee.  I’m relishing my morning cup(s) of coffee more than ever as Isaac’s wee-hours wake-ups leave me extra sleepy at the start of the day, but my body doesn’t feel great when my a.m. hydration begins with coffee.  Cue healthy habit: a cup of green tea before a cup of coffee.  Get those antioxidants.  Ease into the caffeine kick.  And then savor that java!

Do three minutes of plank every day.  I’ve settled on walking as my preferred form of exercise, but my post-partum core could use a little extra focus.  I can’t (won’t!) commit to a big chunk of time to strength-train every day, but I can carve out just a few minutes to focus on my most-neglected muscles.  Three minutes doesn’t sound like much, but I did the math and if I keep it up, I’ll finish the year having done over 18 hours of planking!  That’s something.

Establish a simple weekly meal rotation to minimize planning / shopping / cooking effort.  As the end of my maternity leave and a return to the work-life balancing act looms on the horizon, I’m looking for ways to trim the fat from my weekly to-do’s so that I can spend more time enjoying the kids on evenings and weekends.  Meal planning and prep has always been one of my least-favorite time-takers, so I’m working on a handful of weekly menus that we can just put on repeat over and over.  I’ve got the framework nailed down (egg night, chicken night, etc) and am populating each category with 3-4 easy recipes.  So far, so good, though my favorite night of the week is still Friday – takeout night!

Limit time on Instagram to 20 min/day.  I’m still spending hours each day nursing and rocking Isaac, which gives me ample opportunities to get swept into the Instagram vortex.  There were times toward the end of last year when I found myself falling deeper and deeper into the rabbit hole, somehow landing in Reese Witherspoon’s feed at 2am, or watching endless reels of monkeys feeding their little chimp babies – I could feel my mind atrophying.  So I purged my “follow” list at the beginning of the year and set a timer on the app – my phone locks me out of Instagram after 20 minutes of use each day.  I’m doing more reading, more journaling in my notes app, more crosswords. I’m already much happier for it.

Read at least two books with Shane and at least two books with Juliette.  I always set some sort of reading goal and decided this year to take a pass at combining reading with a new avenue for family connection.  We don’t necessarily have to read the books out loud to each other, but we’ll read them in parallel so that we can dish in the evenings on the characters.  Juliette’s calling it our “Mama-Jules Book Club” – we’re digging into Matilda this week.  Shane and I have both loaded A Gentleman in Moscow onto our Kindles and are looking forward to carving out some time to read/drink wine/discuss together.

Figure out what church and/or spiritual community looks like for us in 2022.  It’s hard to believe that we haven’t set foot in our church in nearly two years now. We consistently streamed the online services at the start of the pandemic, eager to stay connected as our physical interactions with just about everyone fell by the wayside, but at some point we stopped marking Sunday mornings for church.  We’d flip on the service if convenient, but if we wanted to get out for a walk or if Isaac needed a nap or if we were in the thick of our pancake breakfast, we just…let it slide.  Our church building is open again, but with Omicron and the baby and the extended commute due to the bridge closure, we haven’t been back.  And we’ve kind of fallen in love with our slow and easy Sunday mornings.  But I do miss singing in the company of others; I miss dropping off Juliette at Sunday school and then admiring whatever craft she’d cooked up under the guidance of her exceedingly kind teachers.  I miss the sacred rituals and the casual connections.  We’ve got some figuring out to do.

Now, ready, set, PLANK!

The annual roundup!  This is one of my favorite posts to put together – even in the years that didn’t go as planned, the years where I didn’t get through my to-do list or take that trip I hoped for, reflection brings so many reasons to feel accomplished and to be thankful.  2021 was no different.  Some lows, but a lot of highs.  Okay, and one BIG high (hi, Buddy!).  

 

Favorite book:

I finished 23 books, one shy of my goal, but I’m going to let that slide because I was able to check off quite a few books that have been on my reading list for 8+ years.

Favorite book in the memoir category, and favorite book above all, was One Long River of Song by Brian Doyle.  I literally clutched this book to my chest several times while reading and took a deep breath, as if it would allow me to more fully soak in Doyle’s words about family and nature and love.  What a gift.

Favorite non-fiction was The Warmth of Other Suns by Isabel Wilkerson, because it opened my eyes to the lasting significance of the Great Migration, which I’ll admit I knew nothing about a year ago.

I was a little light on fiction last year, but loved A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith for superb character / setting development – by the end of the book, I felt like I knew the Nolan family through and through.

 

Favorite TV show:

Top honors to Insecure.  I watched all five seasons over the past few months (three cheers for marathon breastfeeding sessions!) and gosh, why’d I wait so long to get on the Issa train?!  I loved watching her change and grow over the course of the show, loved bearing witness to her deep-though-tumultuous friendship with Molly.  And the Lawrence saga…I ate it up.

Mare of Easttown deserves a mention as well because…sheesh!  The suspense!  The acting!  Kate Winslet’s Pennsylvania accent!  My palms haven’t sweated like that since Breaking Bad.

 

Favorite movie:

Whenever Shane asks me if I want to watch a show or a movie, I always choose show because I like more bite-sized chunks of TV, but King Richard was worth the two-hour commitment.  Will Smith is stunning and those Williams sisters (in real life)…total bad-asses.

Honorable mention to Father of the Bride, even though it’s 30 years old, because I had so much fun watching it with Juliette on one of our lazy Saturday mornings together.  It’s good to have another rom-com lover in the house!

 

Favorite podcast:

Bah!  I almost skipped this category because I did so little listening last year (still mourning the Reply All scandal), but in scrolling my queue I see that I stayed pretty current on HBR’s After Hours.  Though Felix, Mihir, and Youngme operate on a completely different academic wavelength than I do, they’re still approachable and their take on current events feels less sinister than the reporting I get from The Daily.

 

Favorite song:

I was determined not to give this category to Taylor Swift again, but dang it!  Her re-release of the Red album, and her 10-minute version of All Too Well in particular, blew our damn minds.   The short film, the SNL performance, the saga of the missing scarf, we devoured it all.  Over and over.

 

Favorite purchase:

I’m going to go big on this one and shout out to our new kitchen.  I’ll give more details and the full before-and-after in another post, but I can definitively say that it’s all I hoped it would be.  The opening up of the kitchen to the living room in particular has been a game changer – it’s so nice to be able to chat with Shane or Juliette if they’re in the living room and I’m cooking or doing dishes.  The peninsula gets tons of use – Juliette does puzzles or art projects there, it’s our snack buffet if we have guests, and I do most of my meal prep there.  Now if only I could keep it clean…

 

Favorite personal pastime:

I was a little short on recreational me-time last year, as pregnancy, a remodel, and then newborn life left me pooped. But I continue to find much joy in making our home homier and did some quality nesting in 2021. What was our guest room (and then my home office) has now been made into a cozy little nursery, complete with a hand-drawn wall pattern that took far longer than I expected but was also soothing in its tedium. Juliette’s room now serves as the guest room on the occasions that we have family in town and has gotten some Jules-approved grown-up upgrades. Our tired downstairs brick fireplace got a coat of black paint, some lighting, and new mantle styling. Our bedroom got a glow-up with accent paint and shelving and fresh art. And the houseplants! So many houseplants to brighten each room. Dare I say our house is almost “finished”? (I don’t.)

 

Favorite family pastime:

Again, it felt like we lost many of our summer weekends and evenings to the kitchen renovation, and then Isaac upended our routines completely, so I’m not entirely sure where to go with this one. My 2020 highlight reel tells me we used to play cards every night after dinner and I’m having a hard time even recalling what that was like – sounds so civilized! So luxurious! These days, 6pm is when we start our evening round of pass-the-baby as we endeavor to keep him content until his 7:00 bedtime… We’ve got some figuring-out to do in regards to fun-making as a family of four (though we have whiled away some good hours together on the living room floor, trying to find Isaac’s most ticklish spots). I did really, really love watching Juliette play soccer on Saturdays last Fall, with Shane at the helm as assistant coach and Isaac in my arms as (sleepy) co-cheerleader. I previously felt a sort of pity for soccer moms, spending their Saturdays on the sidelines rain or shine, but now that I’ve seen my own kid out on the field, I get it – turns out it’s thrilling to see her score a goal! Or try to score a goal! Or participate in the opening team cheer! I’m Juliette’s biggest fan.

 

And, favorite moments…

Many evenings spent listening to Harry Potter while following along in the book.

 

Leavenworth.

 

Sharing the news with the sister-to-be!

 

Winthrop.

 

Semiahmoo.

 

A visit from much-missed grandparents.

 

Mother’s Day with our newly-vaxed crew.

 

An unexpectedly snowy hike with my best bud before she headed off into the train tunnel for a bike ride with her dad.

 

A Marrowstone weekend with friends we saw too little of in 2020.

 

The Oregon Coast and that ocean magic.

 

An attempt to escape the end-of-June heat.

 

Lake life at our new favorite spot in Idaho.

 

Possibly Juliette’s best day ever

 

She loved him so much already.

 

My ladies!

 

Summer Saturdays at Colman Pool.

 

Lazy weekend mornings in bed.

 

Our last outing as a family of three!

 

ISAAC!!!

 

Newborn bliss.  And lots of hospital milkshakes.

 

Little bro meets the best-ever big sis.

 

So tired, but so happy.

 

Lazy mornings in bed take a new turn…

 

A horseback ride for the the EIGHT year-old.

 

Chair snuggles.  So many chair snuggles.

 

40!

 

Momming so hard…

 

Cloud nine grandparents.

 

First smiles.

 

Sister love runs deep.

 

Autumn magic.

 

Keeping traditions alive.

 

A Schnell family Thanksgiving.

 

The sweetest advent.

 

Chosen family.

 

Jarrell family.

 

A snowy surprise.

 

Cozy December mornings.

 

And more snow…

 

Happy New Year.

2021 felt so damn tough for the world outside our door – COVID rolled on, divisions ran deep, and we bore witness to heartbreaking loss. But I’m exceedingly grateful for the joy that bloomed in our little bubble, for snowy surprises and pool days and the most perfect little babe a big sister could hope for. May joy bloom bigger in 2022, may we see it burst our bubble in the very best way and spread near and far.

We’re in full-blown Fall and barreling toward winter as the days get remarkably shorter and the aisles of Target fill with Christmas decor.  It’s been a sweet season, these past few weeks of finding our new groove as a family of four and slowly emerging from our newborn cocoon to spend more time with family and friends.

Our parade of visitors began at the end of September when my parents trekked to Seattle to meet their one and only grandson.  My mom said she couldn’t remember the last time she had held a baby, but it seems her soothing skills came flooding back to her as she rocked and sang Isaac to sleep within hours of their arrival.

Motown, hymns, country…Grandma sings it al!

My dad also got some quality cuddle time…

…though I especially loved bearing witness to his playtime with Juliette.

We didn’t get out a whole lot that week, but it was nice to fold my parents into our quiet routine and to have some company as I picked up Juliette from school or spent an afternoon on the couch with a sleeping baby on my chest.

My brother and his family joined us for a weekend in October – there was driveway basketball and a walk at Lincoln Park and several rounds of pass-the-baby.

Bina the dog is used to being the baby in the room and displayed a little envy early-on, but once she’d sniffed out Isaac and determined he wasn’t going to hop right into anyone’s lap, she decided he was alright.

I turned forty that Saturday and it was nice to have family around to toast to a new decade.

Plus, Mitch makes some mean spaghetti and meatballs.  He and Shane spent much of the afternoon planning and shopping and cooking and I MUCH appreciated it.

Cheers!

And to bookend grandparent season, the Schnells landed in Seattle a couple of weeks ago along with our niece, Shanay.

While Grandma and Grandpa doted on Isaac, Shanay was an amazing buddy for Juliette.  There aren’t too many 22 year-olds that will jump at the chance to do Play-dough, but she was so incredibly generous with her time and attention (plus, she can french braid, which essentially gives her Queen status with Juliette).

Lazy mornings…

Lazy afternoons…

Again, we didn’t get out much.  But we were plenty content to cozy up inside with the baby.  Denny wore his grandpa-heart on his sleeve and spent long stretches of time just gazing at Isaac’s little face and saying, “Grandpa loves you…you’re such a gift, buddy…”.

It was a tearful goodbye (not just for Isaac!), but those few days together were precious.

In other news, we inducted Isaac into the Giants fan club and cheered on our team during their too-short playoff season.

Gosh, it hurt to lose to the Dodgers.  Also hurt to hear that Buster Posey is retiring!  Juliette shed a few tears when the news broke…

Other October happenings included our first annual Harry Potter night.  Juliette and I spent the afternoon making Hogwarts-themed treats and then invited the Rusts over for snacks and a movie.

Sorting hats were chosen at random and the color of the jelly beans inside told you which house you belonged in.

Slytherin for J!  I knew he had a dark side…

But Slytherin for Nance, too?  I expected better.

I tend to overuse the word “cozy” in my Fall and Winter blog posts, but…it really was the coziest of October evenings.

Cozy vibes aside, sometimes we’ve just gotta get out, and Juliette’s Saturday soccer games have proven to be an excellent reason to leave the house.  This is her first year on the team and she is killing it!  I am so, so proud of her – she’s a force out there, scoring goals at every game, passing to her friends like a true team player, and shaking off the occasional bump or bruise.

Isaac doesn’t quite follow the action, but at least he keeps my lap warm!

On really muddy days, the girls line up during half-time and stick their feet out so that the coaches can scrape their cleats clean.  These dads get gold stars.

Morning walks are another good reason to leave the house, partly because I need the exercise, but also because Isaac needs the nap.

Bonus points if I can work my route to include a coffee stop.

Double-bonus if I’m joined by a friend!

Saving the Halloween pics for another day, and then it’s onto the business of November-ing!

Welp, when I started putting this post together a week ago I had only one surprise announcement: we’re having a baby! Baby boy Schnell due…today! Turns out I wasn’t quick enough on the Publish trigger, though, because as of last Tuesday the even bigger news is: we HAD a baby! I’m saving that jazz for another post and going back to the beginning here…

And when I say back, I mean waaaay back, about six years ago when we first started casually throwing around the idea of a sibling for Juliette. We played it fast and loose for a few months, thinking how crazy it would be if I just happened to get pregnant this time around, without any of the planning and waiting and loss and waiting and intervention and waiting that we endured with Juliette. I mean, this time around my body might just know the drill – I had living proof that I could have a healthy baby! Silly me, though…I didn’t just happen to get pregnant. I was Infertile with a capital “I”.

Dozens of ovulation kits and a couple of unsuccessful IUIs later, I was completely exhausted by the waiting game. At the end of 2019, Shane and I found ourselves at a fork in the road: to the left was a letting-go of the hope for a second child; to the right was a last-ditch all-in try via IVF. We chose the latter, buckled up, and began the barrage of hormones, needles and ultrasounds.

In keeping with sentiments felt round the world on a much grander scale, 2020 was tough. More waiting, a heart-wrenching loss, and moments of deep mourning as my visions of a kid anchoring each side of our Subaru’s back seat blurred at the edges and began to recede. We certainly had a good thing going, the three of us, and Juliette had brought me more mama-joy than I ever could have dreamed of, but damn. I didn’t want to be done. In December of last year we transferred our second embryo and began yet another cycle of hand-wringing and waiting. At the 6-week ultrasound, I held my breath as the nurse searched for the flicker of a heartbeat on the black and white screen. I’d been here before, felt the sting of stillness where there should have been life. But PRAISE THE LORD, there it was! A tiny little heartbeat coming from our tiny little boy. We still had a long ways to go, but as I walked out of the doctor’s office, hope came back. It was a cautious hope, still shadowed by anxiety, but there was hope.  These shots (so many shots!) weren’t all for naught.

Three weeks later, after another encouraging ultrasound, Shane and I decided to share the news with Juliette. I felt my guarded heart soften as we told her there was a baby growing inside my belly – her joy was contagious as she jumped up and down on the couch and exclaimed, “I’m going to be a big sister?! I’M GOING TO BE A BIG SISTER!!!” We ate cupcakes and answered all of Juliette’s burning questions and shit got real in the very best way.

COVID kept Shane and Juliette from attending any of my doctor’s appointments, but I’d always call them the minute I left the building to assure them all was well.  They were the best pregnancy pep squad.

By week 18 my belly was really rounding – thank goodness for work-from-life and stretchy pants all day, every day! We nicknamed the baby “Grogu” after the sweet little baby Yoda in Mandolorian and Juliette checked in with me daily on his progress, asking first thing in the morning, “How’s Grogu doin’, Mama?”.  I would reply, “Still growing!” and then Juliette would turn my body so that it was in profile to her and exclaim, “He sure is!”  I have a pregnancy app on my phone and Juliette would excitedly check it each Saturday morning to see just how big the baby was.  “He’s an orange!  A coconut!  A…stalk of celery?”  That one had us all perplexed.

I remember feeling very large when we went to Semiahmoo in April – now I look back at these week-21 pics and chuckle.  The heartburn and the shortness of breath were setting in by this point, but oh, Kel…just wait for it.

Juliette had a tough time making much sense from my reels of ultrasound pictures, but nonetheless, she found them thrilling.

At week 26 I felt like I had a soccer ball under my shirt.  Again: oh, Kel…

Week 30 in Neskowin – now that’s a belly!

 

By week 33 the baby was kicking regularly enough and hard enough that Juliette was guaranteed to get a good high-five from her brother if she left her hand on my belly for a few minutes.  She fell asleep like this a few times and I felt affirmed in my suspicions that she’ll be the sweetest big sis ever.

Week 34: belly as a head-rest!

And the loveliest baby shower with my mama-friends!  I stumbled through early motherhood alongside these friends eight years ago and these ladies showed up big-time for me in July to assure me that I can do it again.

We played a round of “guess whose birth story” that had us all howling with laughter as we shared the full gamut of indignities that come with labor and delivery.

Week 35: it appears as though I have an alien trying to escape through my belly button.  Juliette tunes in like it’s prime-time programming.

 

Week 37 was my pregnancy sweet spot.  Only three(ish) weeks left, so the discomfort felt short-lived enough that I could focus on savoring those final days of having a little one growing inside of me.

Brunch and a beach walk at week 38 (can you tell I was running out of wardrobe choices by this point?!).

Ok, you win, Jules!

A lunchtime belly snuggle from Juliette…while an eight-year age gap wasn’t really the plan for our two kids, I gotta say, it sure was fun to watch her watch me grow a little human.

And here it is, my bump in all its glory at 39 weeks + 1 day, one day before I went into labor. This was back when I was certain that I had a full five days ahead of me to convert the home office into a nursery, finish all the touch-up painting in the kitchen, repack my pillaged hospital bag, spend boatloads of quality one-on-one time with Juliette, AND enjoy evenings stretched out on the couch with my hand on my belly, relishing those final baby kicks. OH, KEL…the best-laid plans.  Sure, it would have been nice to have a few days to settle into my maternity leave and prep for baby’s arrival, but whatever. I wouldn’t trade the past five days for anything – they’ve been a long, long time coming.

I know, SO LATE for New Years resolutions, but I went to the effort to write these down in January and like to keep a record of such things on the blog as my journal of evolving goals and priorities, a log of my successes and shortcomings (admittedly, I’ve been trying to make more art with Juliette for four years running…).  My 2021 hopeful look-ahead:

Finish our kitchen remodel.  The squeaky drawers and the incessant thaw/freeze cycle of our freezer and the funky smell under the sink are driving me new levels of crazy.  It’s reno time.  I’ve nailed down the floor plan and have picked the cabinets and the countertops and have narrowed down the tile selections and now we just need to bite the bullet, sign up a contractor, and pay the price (in literal dollars, but also in immense mess and inconvenience).  Let’s get ‘er done.

Read 24 books, mostly by authors of color.  I fall short of my reading goal every year, but this is the year!  The year of more books and less Instagram!  I’m doing a pretty good job at diversifying my reading genres, with a mix of fiction and non-fiction and memoirs and poetry, but I recently realized how predominantly white the authors I choose are.  This year I’m making an effort to diversify the voices behind the genres.

Develop an intentional, balanced way to consume news.  I fell into a habit last year of scrolling through a very un-curated news feed on my phone, randomly clicking between political headlines and InStyle’s tips on how to pull off the chunky boots that Katie Holmes has been sporting.  I didn’t put forth the effort to whittle down my feed and was falling down all sorts of pointless rabbit holes.  I’m looking for a way to keep a pulse on local, national, and global events while not leaning too heavily on one particular source (ahem, NY Times).

Learn a new skill with Juliette.  Ok, so this is really just a re-phrasing of my perpetual effort to do more art projects with Juliette, but I’m opening it up here.  Maybe we’ll get into sewing.  Or hip-hop dancing.  Or ice cream-making.  The possibilities are endless – really, I just want maximum QT with my girl.

And because I feel a little beholden to round out my home/mind/heart goals with something for my body, I’m aiming to close my Apple watch fitness rings five times/week by hitting my daily goals for standing/exercising/moving.  This one has already spurred on a noticeable change in habits – I’m getting up from my desk every hour and often rounding out the day with 10-15 minutes of yoga to burn those last few calories.

Finally, I have to share Juliette’s resolutions, because she wrote them herself this year and they’re just so simple and sweet:

Learn how to do a cartwheel.

Eat more cucumbers (you know this one was for my benefit).

Play more board games.

Spend more time with friends (2020 was a serious struggle for our extrovert).

Be loving. 

Cheers to aspirations, to dreaming big and small (photo below from March 2020, when just making it through the week felt like all we could aspire to!).

Ah, 2020…do I even bother with a highlight reel?  From what has been declared by so many to have been the shittiest year on record?  Tempting as it is to just toss last year from the memory banks, I do believe there was beauty in the ashes.  Good books and good music and more time with my two favorite people than I ever could have hoped for.  So here goes…

Favorite book:

I finished 20 books and can say I actually liked all of them!

Fiction took the cake this year, with The River by Peter Heller and Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens keeping me up reading into the wee hours of the night.  Both of these books completely transported me, to the Canadian wilderness and the marshy shores of North Carolina.  

Honorable mention to The One and Only Ivan by Katherine Applegate, which I read with Juliette, snuggled into her bed as tears streamed down my face.  That one got me right in the heart.

Favorite non-fiction was Be the Bridge by Latasha Morrison, because it made racial reconciliation feel possible while still laying bare the white supremacy that’s so deeply woven into the fabric of our nation.  There is hope.  There’s work to be done, but there’s hope.

 

Favorite TV show:

Top honors to The Queen’s Gambit.  I will say that I tuned into this one a little reluctantly, only after Shane’s urging.  Chess?  Not my thing.  But the characters were brilliant and the acting was superb and the camaraderie that shines at the end gave me all the warm fuzzies.  Plus, that 60’s wallpaper!  It’s a feast for the eyes.

Honorable mention to The Great British Baking Show for gracing us with a surprise new season last summer.  I wasn’t sure how they’d pull it off in Covid times, but they did.  And for several weeks, it gave our family something to look forward to on Friday nights.  2020 was all about the little things.

 

Favorite movie:

I’m having a hard time recalling which movies I even watched last year as all those evenings on the couch are sort of melding together, but I know that we loved Onward for all its tugging on the familial heart-strings.  Super-sweet story with a handful of good laughs.

 

Favorite podcast:

Another toughie!  I’m still quite happy in my rut with The Daily, Reply All and Heavyweight, but I did expand my horizons to include Unlocking Us with Brene Brown this year.  She’s got a way with an interview, and her episodes with Austin Channing Brown, Laverne Cox, and Dolly Parton rattled around in my head for days after I listened to them.

 

Favorite album:

Easy.  Taylor Swift gave our family a much-needed gift with her release of Folklore (and then did it again with Evermore!).  The number of times I’ve watched Juliette tip-toe dance across the living room to Mirror Ball…  And Exile never ever gets old, even after 200 listens.  Thanks, T-Swift.

 

Favorite purchase:

We didn’t buy any life-changing new gadgets last year.  I certainly didn’t invest in any great clothing, as I had nowhere to wear it.  Most of our spending went into home improvement, as being home all day, every day gave me ample opportunities to come up with new fix-it, replace-it, and decorate-it projects.  The main wall in our entryway has been blank and asking for some sort of art since we moved in and I found the perfect piece in this 3D wooden map from Enjoy the Wood.  Puzzling this thing together on the wall was a fun Saturday project and a stellar geography lesson.  Juliette has mapped out our trip to New Zealand (via Paris) and now I can proudly report that I know where Baffin Island is!

 

Favorite personal pastime:

Again, home improvement for the win.  I crossed a lot of projects off my list last year, big and small, and as we settle in for another couple (few?  several?) months of hunkering down, I feel affirmed that every hour and every dollar was well worth it.  While the bathroom reno wins grand prize in terms of upgrades, there was also a lot of joy in banging out the little things that have bugged me for the past two years.  Ugly nipple lights in the hallway?  Gone.  Dirty, clunky fireplace grate?  Sayonara.  And I’m still loving our dining room wall.

 

Favorite family pastime:

Welp, I suppose I have to find an answer other than camping given how little we got out last year…  Our family discovered a shared loved of card games toward the end of last year when we taught Juliette how to play Rummy and now spend almost every evening at the dining room table trying to be the first to 200.  I tell you, total game-changer (pun intended) when your kid becomes old enough to play things you actually enjoy.  7 p.m. has become my favorite part of the day, when dinner is done and screens are put away and Taylor Swift is cranked up and cards are dealt.

 

And, favorite moments…

There’s no denying that 2020 was rife with loss, but in our quiet little Schnell bubble, after a 2019 that found me away from my family far too much, I’m exceedingly thankful to have made my way back home.

It’s been hard to sit down and put words to my feelings about this new Covid-19 way of life.  Partly because my feelings are all over the map.  But also because the news is changing so quickly (and somehow also not at all?).  Five weeks ago we were wondering how in the world we’d weather a two-week school closure and I was conceding to Shane, “Ok, we’ll skip dinner at our the Rusts’ house just this week, until this whole thing blows over”.  And now school is closed for the rest of the year and I feel like I may never hug Nancy or La Verne again!  I’m in an emotional tailspin, feeling ups, downs, and every-which-ways every 15 minutes.  I’m loving the extra time at home after a season of being away so much, but am increasingly desperate to be out and about.  I’m thankful we’ve stayed healthy and absolutely believe that we can get through this, but I’m frustrated and bitter about all the missing-out, about the cancellation of the kindergarten musical and the Easter service at church.  One moment I’m listless, unable to extract myself from the couch, and then I’m suddenly swept up in a frantic bout of doing, cleaning the house with a vigor that’s almost manic.  I’m tired.  A little worried.  And lately pretty lonely.  The drama of it all overwhelmed me last Sunday as we joined our Easter church service from our couch and Matt sang Waymaker and I saw La Verne in a little square on the upper left corner of our TV playing her cello from her music room.  I missed our church and being in the physical presence of people so much that I couldn’t help the tears from spilling over.  This quiet retreat into the cozy enclave of our home was nice for a couple of weeks, but I think I’m done now.  Over it.

Juliette’s done, too – she came home from playing with the neighbor kids outside later that day and when I asked her about the chip crumb on her mouth (we’ve had so many talks about not sharing snacks right now), she started to sob, wracked with a wave of guilt.  “I’m so sorry!  It’s just hard, Mommy!  I want it to be like it was!  I’m sorry!  I won’t play with anyone else until the virus goes away, I promise…I’m sorry!”  She then stormed down the hallway, slammed her bedroom door, flung herself onto her bed, and yelled “I JUST WANT TO BE ALONE!” when I knocked gently on her door.  This damn virus has turned my little girl into a brooding teenager!  She eventually let me in and I held her close and then Shane entered a few minutes later to find us both weeping.  Happy Easter, folks!

But like we sang that earlier that morning,

You made a way
When our backs were against the wall
And it looked as if it was over
You made a way

There’s a way through this.  I don’t know what that looks like or when full relief will come, but God will make a way.  Maybe God’s making a way right now, even as we’re in the thick of it?  Maybe this is the way, piecing together a slap-dash homeschool schedule and savoring the beauty of our own backyard and scheduling Zoom calls with our family and friends?

We winged the first two days of homeschool, but after being interrupted by Juliette every seven minutes because she was bored or couldn’t find her colored pencils or wanted to show us the spider outside her window, we found we needed more structure.  Shane laid it all out in half-hour increments.  Piano, writing, snack, art, science, lunch, math, reading, RECESS.  On the best days we hit five out of six subjects.  On the worst days, which are usually the days when Shane and I are busiest with work, Juliette ping-pongs between us until we finally send her outside to see if she can rustle up some outdoor playtime with the neighbors.  It’s hard.  But the moments when I’m able to work with her quietly working alongside me?  Those are the best.

Science scrounge: basement constellations.

Juliette misses her teachers and her classmates fiercely and has taken to writing letters to them each day.  I loved this note for her teacher…”Luckily I am just a few blocks away.  Feel free to drop a letter off…”  She’s so subtle.

Juliette’s school holds an online “assembly” every day for all the kids and the principal reads a book or the art teacher leads an activity or the school counselor takes a poll on how everyone is feeling.  I do enjoy peeking over her shoulder, getting to see her school’s leaders in action.

Juliette had her first call with her class last week and her teacher asked everyone to wear a hat for show and tell.  This kid took the challenge all the way!

The utmost kudos to Shane for truly channeling his inner teacher.  I knew he was good, but he’s good.  He leads Juliette through piano lessons each morning and sets aside time with her each afternoon to work on projects for the coding class she’s taking.

Meanwhile, I bake with her.  Measuring flour counts for math, I guess?

I think, I hope, we’re finding our rhythm.  I can see Juliette becoming ever-so-slightly more independent, able to enjoy time on her own for 20 or 30-minute stretches.  Last week I came into her room and found that she’d converted her bed into a boat and was ready to cruise the world, with a plastic plate for a ship’s wheel and an Easter basket full of snacks.

And at the end of the day, even after it feels like I’ve told her 47 times that I don’t have time to play with her, she still likes me!  Sweet, forgiving child.  At bedtime, after I tuck her in, she begs me to stay and cuddle, because “she’ll miss me so much!”  I’m more than ready for a god-dang break by 8pm, but Juliette, I appreciate the sentiment.

Finally, on Fridays, we toast with white wine and ginger ale, celebrating the fact that we made it another week.

Like much of the world, we’re leaning on technology to connect us with our nearest and dearest.  Church online, virtual happy hours and breakfasts with the gang, Zoom calls with the family…while it’s no substitute for spending time together in the flesh, it’s something.

Thankfully, thankfully the weather has been good enough to be outdoors and we’ve done lots of exploring in our neighborhood.  We scaled a large hill near Me Kwa Mooks with our neighbors last month and came across a couple of surprise rope swings.

And the blooms.  The blooms!  I lamented the fact that we missed the UW cherry blossoms this year, but West Seattle is full of pink and white.

Our backyard hit peak magic last week, color-wise, and has been the perfect place to eat lunch al fresco, or to send Juliette outside to burn off some wiggles.

This is the view from where I work – while these girls are sitting a little too close together, still, I’m thankful for neighborhood playmates.

I’ve been impressed with how good the kids are at finding things to do outdoors.  For example, the burial and memorial tribute to the bird that crashed into our window and died took up a good couple of hours while I was tied up on a work call.

We dusted off our fire pit a couple of weeks ago and have loved ending the day with sunset s’mores.

Plus, our back porch is perfect for P.E.!

…and…snow angels?

I mentioned the big emotions Easter Sunday brought, but in between the crying there was a very sweet egg hunt and some cherished family time.  Plus, Juliette loved having an excuse to put on a dress and tights and raid her dress-up drawer for her bunny ears.

 

 

 

I wonder what my lasting memories of this virus will be.  Probably people in masks.  Playgrounds strung with caution tape.  Working nights to make up for days full of distractions.  But also, this.  Family togetherness like we’ve never known before and likely won’t ever experience again.  Inconvenient, patience-testing, love-filled, restorative togetherness.  I’m here for it.

We’ve made a tradition of writing down our New Years resolutions and tucking them into our Christmas stockings, to be pulled out at the end of the year for a check-in.  By the time December rolls around we have only a faint memory of what goals we actually set, which means there’s an element of surprise when we unfold the lists we made 12 months earlier.  There are usually a couple of resolutions kept, a couple of shrugs over resolutions forgotten and unachieved.  And I’m ok with it this way – Schnell resolution-ing comes with a heaping load of grace.  We’ve accepted that it’s only the things we really want to do and really have time for that will bubble to the surface.

That said, even if we’re ultimately just gonna do what we’re gonna do, I still like this practice of taking stock and intention-setting.  I like having this record of evolving dreams and priorities.  I especially love hearing what comes to mind when I ask Juliette what she wants to do in the year ahead (“Go swimming a lot!  Snuggle with Mommy more!  Play cards!”).  Here’s my 2020 hopeful look-ahead:

Re-strike the work/life balance.  I’ve mentioned a few times how all-consuming my job has been lately and I’m ready to pump the brakes.  I’ll keep my laser-focus during office hours, I’ll work the occasional evening when duty calls, but I’m Trying (capital T!) to do away with work being the last thing I think about as I drift off to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake in the morning.  Most of that late night pondering/worrying is completely unproductive, anyway – I have yet to experience a midnight epiphany that solves a budget crisis or gets a much-needed building permit.  So I’m going to limit the off-hours email-checking, bite the bullet and officially work Fridays again (I’d rather work on Friday while Juliette’s at school than work every evening after bedtime), and leave work at work.  Just think of the time and energy this will free up for me!  So I can…

Make art.  Sometimes with Juliette.  I’ve largely been on an art-making hiatus since Juliette was born – most of my creative energy (when I have it) and time (when I have it) has gone toward taking photos and keeping this blog current.  But I miss my sketchbook.  I miss the print-making studio.  I miss using my hands to MAKE.  I’m still putting together the framework for this one, but have a book of drawing prompts that Juliette and I have pulled out a couple of times on quiet evenings at home and the hour we spent doodling different bumblebees was incredibly satisfying.

Bang out at least five home improvement projects.  When we bought our 1950’s house a year and a half ago, we immediately put together a list of 30 projects we wanted to complete over the next few years.  I hopped to it and rolled A LOT of white paint onto our walls when we first moved in.  We fixed a leaky faucet, replaced our upstairs windows, got new gutters, cleaned up the yard, and then we…fizzled.  Transitioned into maintenance mode.  But I’m getting my second wind, ready to bid farewell to our pink toilets.  Eager to give our basement some love.  Eyeing a couple of unsightly shrubs that have gotta go.  Just typing out this list makes me giddy – home makeover round 2 starts NOW.

Play more board games.  Shane and I went out for a date-night/game-night during the holidays at a local game shop and I as I looked around at the small groups of people huddled around us, I was struck by how engaged they all were.  No one was checking their phones or sitting on the fringes.  People were laughing over their Cards Against Humanity or agonizing over their next move in Settlers of Catan and I thought, we should all do this more often.  Playing games forces a focused interaction that I feel like I’m lacking – with Shane, with Juliette, with friends…I hereby deem 2020 the Year of Qwirkle.

And I always include at least one warm-and-fuzzy self-care resolution that tends to fall by the wayside by mid-February, so in that tradition I’m committing to move with intention for at least 10 minutes EVERY DAY.  Take a moment before bed to breathe and to stretch.  Bring back the lunchtime walks.  Do Barre again.  On the very best of days, cross-country ski!

Cheers to a year of aspiration.  And so much grace.

 

(a 2020 Mama-Jules collaboration…)