little black journal

The beginning of a new year always tends to throw me into a more reflective state, during which I ponder the roses and thorns of the previous twelve months, and anticipate the joys and challenges that the next twelve months may bring.  And as I embark on this little ‘year in review’, my immediate inclination is to say:  2009 was goooood.  Shane and I romped through the streets of Paris and sauntered through the vineyards of Portugal; I made some cool stuff and added to an ever-expanding lists of passions and hobbies; I read a lot of books, and got to sit around a table and talk about them with some of my most favorite ladies; I discovered Macrina Bakery’s buttermilk biscuits while discussing said books and determined that butter is pretty much one of the best things on earth; we visited Minnesota and I really, truly felt that ‘Shane’s family’ is now actually my family, too; we completed our first big home project with our backyard makeover and laid the groundwork for some awesome 2010 backyard bbq’s; I watched and cheered with so much pride as Shane crossed the finish line of the Portland Marathon; we were continuously reminded that although we don’t have any family in Seattle, we do have friends that feel like family, and that’s pretty amazing; we celebrated three years of marriage with a perfectly indulgent trip to San Francisco; we spent lots of evening just enjoying the bliss of a quiet evening at home, curled up on the couch together with a good movie and a glass of wine; I discovered yoga, discovered that I am not at all flexible, but also discovered that this can change, with enough practice; I took photos, made drawings out of food, found out about the beauty of a printing press, and stayed committed to my weekly sketches.  Yes, it was a fabulous year.  There were also trials, in the form of disappointments, insecurities, and missed opportunities, but they didn’t overshadow the abundance of blessings.  And I expect 2010 will be the same mixed-bag kind of year – exciting times ahead, with places to go, decisions to make, and things to create.  Resolutions?  Just to say with total anticipation, “Bring it on.”

Ahhhhh, today was such a good day.  Wonderfully low-key, spent hanging out family, eating, opening gifts, eating…  I enjoyed an abundance of blessings today, as I tea-partied with my niece on the living room floor, played at the park with her and my parents, sat around the dinner table to eat and laugh with family members I couldn’t love more, and made use of my uber-cool new 50mm lens from Shane.  I have over a hundred family photos to sort through, but those will have to be saved for another day, as I’m slowly drifting into a wine/food/bliss-induced coma.  Shane and I just wanted to wish you all a merry close to a Merry Christmas.  God bless.

One of the things that I value most about our church is their willingness to tackle and discuss ‘difficult’ issues, so Shane and I were quick to register for the latest series of depth classes entitled ‘Faith and Race’.  Race has always been one of those walking-on-eggshells kind of topics for me – out of fear of saying anything ignorant or offensive, I’ve usually chosen the path of avoidance when it comes to discussions on race.  It was nice to be in a room with so many people who were willing to step up take the risk of saying something that might rub someone else the wrong way, for the sake of us all learning about each other and about the realities of a racially unjust world.

There were a couple of topics in particular that really struck a chord with me.  One of these was the discussion on ‘white privilege’.  During our second evening together, we were all asked to fill out a questionnaire composed of true/false statements such as ‘I can choose a bandage in “flesh color” and know it will more or less match my skin color’, or ‘If a traffic cop pulls me over, I can be sure I haven’t been singled out because of my race’.  I answered ‘True’ to all 17 statements.  A perfect score.  But as other people in my group shared their scores of 10, 9, 8, etc, I became increasingly ashamed of my A+ paper.  I felt guilty that I couldn’t relate to other people’s stories of discrimination and inequality.  I was living in an easier, more comfortable kind of world, blissfully enjoying race as a total ‘non-issue’.  And so I was embarrassed by my privilege.  Then I read the questions again, stewed awhile, and the more I thought about it, my guilt transitioned into defensiveness.  I didn’t ask for these so-called ‘privileges’.  I wasn’t responsible for the production white-person Band-Aids, or fashion magazines filled with supermodels primarily of my same skin color.  These were things beyond my control, whether they were fair or not.  Sure, Shane and I certainly live privileged lives, but we have worked hard for things like our home, our well-stocked fridge, our clothes-filled closets.  So why should I feel guilty?  This period of defensiveness was thankfully short-lived as I reminded myself that the church leaders I value and trust were not intending to persecute me because of my race – there had to be a constructive lesson behind all of this.  And so I wrestled with this issue of ‘white privilege’ further.  And I came to recognize that I do regularly enjoy a number of unearned advantages based on the fact that I am part of the racial majority.  But what was I supposed to do with this realization?  I was happy to find that one of the topics up for discussion at the learning conference that took place at Quest yesterday was, ‘White Privilege – Now What?’  Jason read my thoughts as he expressed the difficulty in figuring out what to do with the knowledge that we still live in a very racially unjust world, where white people often enjoy certain benefits at the expense of racial minorities.  He didn’t give us a checklist of things we could do to right these wrongs, or a twelve-step process for obliterating white privilege, but his challenge to all of us was powerful: he asked us to allow ourselves to live in discomfort – to be ‘agitators for justice’, to be daily aware of and uncomfortable with the injustice of white privilege.  God has not called us to live blissfully ignorant lives.  No, I don’t know yet exactly how, where, or when I’ll be called to action, but I’m definitely walking around with wider, more aware eyes now.  That’s a start.

The persistent rain, the changing color of the leaves, the darker mornings, and the fact that I’ve had to dig out the sweaters and shove the tank tops to back of my closet leave me with the feeling that summer is officially, officially OVER.  It was such a good summer, full of sunshine and margaritas and long runs along Lake Washington.  Sad to see it end, but I’m ready to see what this next season holds.  I look forward to fall as a time to enjoy the warmth of our home, to curl up on the couch with Shane on a rainy Sunday afternoon, to pull out my knitting needles and search for inspiration in my basket full of yarn.  The changing of seasons can have such an impact on my daily routine, on my interests and activities.  And so as I’m entering this period of transition, I’m trying to be intentional about change in asking myself, “What do I really want my day-to-day to look like?”  Shane and I have often talked about what kind of rhythms we want our lives to have – what are the things that we want to ingrain into our schedule and routine?  And we’ve often (always) fallen short of setting these rhythms into place.  But as I mentioned, I’m in the mood for change, and so now is as good a time as any to implement these hopes and goals.  I’m going to go out on a limb here, and say that in fall of 2009, I will:

*Share a home-cooked meal with Shane at the dinner table at least four nights a week (this one is a double-bonus – improve my cooking skills and get some much needed regular ‘how-you-doin’ time with my husband).  This one has proven to be incredibly difficult, with work and work-outs and weekly commitments, but if we really try, we can make this happen.  And yes, I have come to terms with the fact that pouring milk over a bowl of cereal does not count as a ‘home-cooked meal’.

*Get together with the amazing girlfriends I’ve been blessed with in Seattle much more regularly.  Schedules are busy, so get-togethers are tricky, but I’d love to connect with at least a couple ladies every week.

*Dedicate time every day (could be five minutes, could be an hour) to conversing with God.  Might be in the form of prayer, might be in the form of study, but whatever it is, it will be time that I spend specifically focused on growing in my relationship with Him.

The list could go on, but I’m going to limit myself to focusing on these three vitally important things.  Change is hard, but it can be so good.

Yes, it has been noted that this blog has suffered from neglect over the past couple of weeks.  My quietness on the blog front has occurred for a couple of justafiable reasons – 1) work has been super-busy lately, consuming much of my weekend and evening time, and 2) for the aforementioned reason, life just hasn’t been that interesting…

But still, blog-worthy or not, an update is in order, so here’s the happenin’ highlights:

Like I said, work is busy.  But it’s good.  The hours are longer than I’d prefer, but the work is challenging, I’m learning a lot, and I’m being trusted with a lot.  Yes, I certainly have those ‘work sucks’ kind of days, but I also have those ‘Man, I was ON today!’ kind of days, and they seem to make it all worth it.

After over a year of scheming and planning and budgeting with our neighbors for our big backyard renovation, construction is finally underway, as of today.  Photos and plans to come, but for now, I will just say that I can’t wait to set up a few chairs in our new yard and share some burgers and beer with friends.  We’ve been dealing with a pretty inhospitable outdoor space for the last couple of years, but all of that is about to change!

I am getting a major vacation itch.  Some of our friends are trying to pull together a winter trip to Hawaii, which sounds amazing.  Shane keeps talking about his desire to visit New Zealand, which also sounds amazing.  But the un-amazing fact is that vacations require both time and money, so nothing is on the books just yet.   For now, I will have to content myself with our little weekend stay-cations (mornings spent in cafes and afternoons spent napping on the couch).  This is not so bad, come to think of it…

Shane will run his marathon in Portland in T minus 15 days.  He has been training like a mad-man, running for hours at a time on Saturday mornings, then hobbling around the house for the following two days.  I am amazed by his driven-ness.  Seriously.

And with that, I’m fresh out of new content.  Tired, too, so I’m signing off for now, hoping I’ll have some kind of adventure or new experience or something to report about in the next few days.

Sunday nights are definitely not my favorite time of the week – sometime between 6 and 8 pm, I usually start moping around the house, mourning the passing of another weekend, dreading the incessant ringing of my alarm clock that will begin without fail come Monday morning at 6:30.  But tonight, as the Sunday night funk began to set in, I stopped, and instead tried to focus on what a great week this has been.  It was a bumpy start, with a couple of long, stressful days at work, but those long hours resulted in a client meeting going extremely well on Wednesday morning, and things were looking up.  The rest of the day was full of highlights:  I enjoyed a nice lunch and dinner with Shane’s parents on their last full day in Seattle; I took my first ever Harley ride with Shane’s dad along Lake Washington; and I spent Wednesday night enjoying VIP treatment at the Seattle Sounders v. Barcelona game, courtesy of a new friend.  The rest of the week was enjoyably low-key, with a couple of deadline-free days at work, a nice stroll through Pioneer Square on Thursday evening to check out a few art galleries, and some quality chill-time spent at home enjoying Shane’s company.  The weekend was also relaxing, though productive, as we stocked our fridge with blueberries, tidied up the yard a bit, and logged some miles on the old runnin’ shoes.  I caught up with friends and family that I hadn’t talked to in awhile, spent some time in my sketchbook, found a cute new pair of sandals on double-clearance at DSW, and finished up a couple of knitting projects that had been nagging me for awhile.  Nice.  And so I won’t mope about the fact that tomorrow is Monday, but instead enjoy the feeling of a week well-spent.

Despite the fact that I am married to Mr. Techy-Gadgety-Man, I am woefully uninformed when it comes to the latest trends in technology.  I would rather follow my favorite art blogs and keep up to date on the Jon and Kate plus 8 saga than read about the newest thing in computers or software or cell phones.  But when the release of the iPhone 3GS coincided with my contract renewal period with AT&T, I started to get a little tech-giddy.  I have been jealously eyeing Shane’s sleek iPhone for the last year, as I’ve lugged around my clunky, user-unfriendly Nokia.  And so, here was my chance to have the latest and greatest in cell phone technology – and I seized it.  We pre-ordered the phone and I had it delivered to my happy little hands the day it was released.  Woo-hoo!  So now that I’ve enjoyed two weeks of iPhone-dom, here’s my list of top 5 reasons why I love this phone:

1.  I’m so connected.  I love being able to check email with a little flick of the finger, to upload a photo to Facebook from the top of mountain in Oregon, or to hop on the www.onebusaway.org to check how late my bus may be running.

2.  I don’t get lost anymore.  I used to often call Shane when I was out on my errand runs, wanting to know if there was a Crate and Barrell nearby, or needing directions to the nearest Chipotle.  Now, with Google Maps and GPS, I am able to look up directions myself to anywhere from anywhere, and Shane is relieved that he no longer has to be my on-call yellow pages.

3.  I can travel lighter now.  All of my music can be stored on my phone, so I no longer need to carry my iPod around as well.  And anything that lightens the load in my Mary Poppins purse is a good thing.

4.  I can use it without having to read a manual.  As I mentioned earlier, I am far from tech-savvy, but even a tech-klutz like myself can navigate this phone with ease.  So smartly designed.

5.  It’s pretty.  Apple has done it again.

Now, to be fair, the iPhone certainly has its disadvantages, too.  Ironically, the primary downfall of owning an iPhone is also the primary bonus of owning an iPhone:  I’m so connected.  It used to be the case that as soon as I hopped on the bus in the morning, I would pull out my book to get a few pages of reading done on my way to work.  Now, books have taken a backseat as I hop on the bus and pull out my iPhone to check my email and the latest on Facebook.  Connectedness is addictive.  And so I’ll have to learn restraint.  But all in all, this is a very cool little piece of technology.  Worth every penny.

Since I failed to get a card in the mail on time, this post will have to serve as my Father’s Day ode.  I have been blessed with a wonderful father – to recount the lessons he’s taught me and the experiences we’ve shared would take days, but I’d like to say a huge thank you to him for all he has done for me.  I’m thankful for the daddy-daughter dates we used to share when I was a little girl and he’d take me out for ice cream sundaes or bowling; I’m thanking him for the way that he knew just when to let go of the seat of my pink and green Huffy when I first learned how to ride a bike; I’m thankful for the time that he put into coaching my softball team and taking me to tour colleges during my Junior year of high school; I’m thankful that he was there to walk me down the aisle on my wedding day, for his composure as I felt those pre-wedding jitters and for his tenderness as we cried tears of joy together when the ceremony was over.  I’m eternally grateful that I have two parents that have time and again demonstrated the importance of faithfulness to God and commitment to your family.  I am blessed.  And so, Happy Father’s Day, Dad.  I’ve got a huge dark chocolate bar and a tin full of oatmeal raisin cookies with your name on it.

Exactly ten years ago today, Shane drove over to my house in his bright blue Dodge Neon and picked me up for our very first date.  We went to the movies and saw Notting Hill, then grabbed milkshakes at a little restaurant down the street from the theater.  I remember feeling relieved that conversation flowed so easily between us, thinking that Shane was really cute, wondering if he was going to kiss me goodnight as our evening together came to an end.  He did not kiss me, which I appreciated as the sign of a gentleman, but he did call me the next day and ask if I’d like to go out again.  Yes, please!  We spent much of that summer together, watching movies in my living room while my dad waited up and kept a distant eye on us from the kitchen, wanting to make sure this new guy in my life wasn’t up to no good.  We went out and shot pool at the local pool hall, played miniature golf at the little amusement park, and drove out to Turlock Lake to walk along the water and escape the heat.  And then, as Summer came to an end, the very first questions about our future together arose.  Shane was due to return to Minnesota when his internship was over,  so I began to prepare myself for saying good-bye.  But when he was offered a full-time job in California, he decided that his days as a Minnesotan were over, much to his family’s surprise.  He stayed in town, and we stayed together.  Then I began my senior year of high school, and started applying to colleges three or four hours away from home, and more questions about our relationship came to light.  Did I really want to get involved with someone, knowing that I would be going away and starting a totally new phase of my life in the Fall?  Would I be missing out on some part of my final year of high school by dating someone who had already completed that part of his life, who didn’t know my friends, or care about our school’s football team, or want to go to high school parties or dances?  Shane and I did keep seeing each other throughout that year, but I was cautious.  I kept my heart under lock and key.  When he first told me he loved me, my response was, “No, you can’t.”  Ouch, that must have hurt him.  But I had never been serious with anyone before, and I found it hard to tread through these unfamiliar waters.  Thankfully, patience is one of Shane’s strongest virtues, and he gave me time and space to figure out what I wanted for our relationship.  And one year after our first date, I told him that I loved him.  I would be leaving for Cal Poly in September, and the thought of having a long-distance boyfriend was scary, but I knew that this guy was just too good to let go.  We decided to give it a try.  Shane put a lot of miles on his car during those few years, frequently making the 200-mile trip down to San Luis Obispo, and I went through a lot of calling cards as we spent endless hours on the phone.  It was hard at times, but we got through the hard times and reveled in the good times.  We were making it work, and I was falling deeper in love.  But during my fourth year of college, when I was studying in Paris, those pesky questions about our future began to arise again.  Shane came to visit me in May of 2004, and I was ecstatic to see him.  Being in Paris with the man you love is enough to put anyone on Cloud 9.  But then, one afternoon as we were sitting along the Seine, talking and dangling our feet near the river, Shane threw me for a loop when he reached into his pocket, pulled out the most beautiful diamond ring I’d ever seen, and asked me to be his wife.  To say that I panicked would be an understatement.  Yes, of course I loved this thoughtful, generous, wonderful man, but was I really ready to commit to forever?  I had spent the previous eight months living alone in Europe, embracing my independence and freedom.  Marriage was not at the forefront of my mind.  And so my answer was, “I can’t answer you right now.”  Double-ouch.  Shane was hurt, and my heart broke as I saw his heart breaking.  But I just knew that I wasn’t in a place where I could make that kind of commitment.  The next year was a tough one, as we both wrestled with discerning God’s plan for our relationship.  I kept waiting for that moment everyone talks about when “you just know”.  It didn’t come.  And although Shane is patient, that question can only be kept on the table for so long.  I had been offered a job up in Seattle and knew that the indecision timer was running out.  Finally, after much praying and talking and counseling and growing, I decided to take a leap of faith, and in July of 2005 I asked Shane to please put that pretty little ring on my finger.  We got married the following May, and now, a couple of weeks after our third wedding anniversary, here we are.  And “here” is a very good place to be.  Bit by bit, I have given my heart to this man, and he has treated it unbelievably well.  So, cheers to our first of many decades together – can’t wait to see what the next ten years will look like.

Every year, our church gives each community group a certain amount of money and a simple urging to “bless your neighbors”.  Our group threw lots of ideas around during our Tuesday night get-togethers, and when somebody mentioned the struggle of Nickelsville, a large Seattle homeless camp, in their mission for a land grant, I think several of us felt our heart strings being tugged. No, we didn’t have the funds to provide them with the property or the shelter they need, but we could certainly stretch our dollars and give of our time to provide them with a hot breakfast and a few hours of company.  And so we were up at the crack of dawn this morning, elbow deep in pancake batter, to begin preparations for a breakfast to feed 75+ people.  And at 8:30, we all rolled up to the South Seattle church which has allowed Nickelsville to temporarily set up camp in their adjacent empty lot.  Our trunks were laden with 300 pancakes and slices of bacon, a couple hundred sausage links, bags of fresh fruit, and 2 large jugs of coffee.  I will admit that I was anxious as I got out of the car, not knowing what to expect.  Would they be receptive to outsiders such as ourselves?  What could I possibly talk to them about?  Shame on me for my fear and anxiety. These people are not so different from us.  They are men and women that have lost jobs and been unable to pay mortgages, people that haven’t been able to find work or have faced illnesses or injuries that have knocked them off their feet, and they don’t want to be a burden to family members or friends.  Particularly in economic times such as these, circumstances like these aren’t so hard to imagine.  And the openness, gratefulness, and graciousness of this community far exceeded anything I could have expected.  We showed up at Nickelsville this morning with the intention to bless these people that have faced struggles beyond what we can understand.  But as is often the case, as I strove to bless them, I found blessings being lavished upon me in return.  Each story, each smile, each “thank you” struck at my core, and reminded me of the importance of sharing God’s love and provision.  As we were getting ready to leave, one man tapped me on the shoulder and asked me to pray for him.  He has been seven months clean from a heroin addiction, but still struggles with temptation and “could use all the prayers he could get”.  As I laid my hand on his arm and prayed that he would find God’s strength and protection, I was struck by the power of the human spirit as common ground.  Yes, this man and I have had very different life experiences, but at our cores, we are both humans, we are both sinners in desperate need of God’s grace.

And so I am infinitely grateful for what took place this morning.  I am thankful for our church, who cares deeply about the homeless community and continually encourages us to stop averting our eyes.  I am thankful for our c-group, which is full of people that are constantly amazing me with their talents, their faith, and their generosity.  These people really have become our Seattle family.  And I am thankful for the warmth and the grace of the people of Nickelsville, as they opened my eyes to their “realness” and struggles.  Please keep this amazing group of people in your prayers.