little black journal

February continues to kick January’s butt with a vengeance.  Sure, last month had its nice, quiet moments at home, but I’m fully reveling in the joy of weekends spent spreading my wings and getting out on the town.

We’re trying not to over-indulge this month as we have in Februarys past, but we did allow ourselves a few small luxuries this weekend, starting with ramen at Kukai on Friday night with some new friends.  Shane loooooves him some noodles, and since the only ramen I know how to prepare is of the “Top” variety (a college staple at 18 cents a serving), this was money well spent.

I made a bakery/West Elm run with La Verne yesterday morning and then set out on my own to do a little shopping in Southcenter.  Gosh, I love picking up a tall Orange Dream Machine smoothie from Jamba Juice and wandering the aisles of DSW.  I know, it’s shallow and silly, but I got a special little buzz when I walked out with that pair of boots I’ve been eyeing since October.  My name is Kelly and I have a shoe problem.

I spent the better of this afternoon hunkered down at my favorite table at Columbia City Bakery.  Latte, scone, journal, book, happiness.  This is what I missed most last month.

Of course, I also appreciate that lots of life’s joys are free: a walk in the peaceful morning fog at Jefferson Park, an evening spent watching the Grammys with Shane while I sip my mint tea and he swigs his home-mixed Manhattan, a moment of much-needed quiet as I turn everything off and reflect on God’s abundant goodness.  And that’s really what our practice of January frugality is meant to show us – our lives are undeservedly rich, in both intangible and material blessings.  The friendships, the food, even the new shoes – they’re all gifts.

Today marks the end of a long, long January, and my word, I am ready to flip that page on the calendar.  I don’t know what exactly has me down this week, but it’s been a doozy.  Every morning feels like an uphill battle just to get myself out the door – there’s a lazy little devil that’s been perching on my shoulder as I eat my breakfast and telling me to finish my toast and go on back to bed (and I’ve been late to work three days this week…).  And I’m grumpy.  Shane called me out on my snippy attitude while we were making dinner tonight – apparently I’ve been something of an Ice Queen as of late.  Ouch.  Maybe it’s all this rain.  Or maybe I’ve overdone it on the veg-fest – I’m still working on dragging the active, productive version of myself into 2013.  Or maybe our practice of January frugality has left me wanting?

Then again, it’s not that I’ve felt particularly deprived – we weren’t as strict this year as we’ve been in years past.  Shane broke his “no alcohol” rule two or three times, we grocery shopped with somewhat reckless abandon rather than sticking to a super-tight budget, and I might have slipped into Starbucks one day at lunchtime when feeling particularly desperate for a cafe fix.  Sure, these little cheats made the month easier, but I think they also left me feeling disappointed in our lack of discipline.  Shame on us…

But enough wallowing.  Tomorrow’s forecast calls for sunshine, and we’ve got plans for dinner and drinks out on the town.  Brighter skies ahead, my friends.  Brighter skies ahead.

As has become our tradition, we rang in the new year last night with our closest friends here at home, stuffing our faces with all manners of junk food and making our predictions for 2013.  We raised our glasses at midnight and then sprawled out in the living room for another couple of hours while Shane, Jack, and Daniel solidified plans for their latest, greatest business venture – $6 churros, coming soon from a cart near you! Stay tuned for more on that (or don’t – I love their ambition, but am skeptical about their powers of execution…).

We brunched this morning with the Rusts and the Chens and soaked a bit in the sunshine we’ve been missing for the last couple of months.  I remember spending New Years day with these same folks five years ago (minus the little ones) in Jack and La Verne’s South Lake Union townhouse.  How time has flown…

I spent the afternoon finishing up our calendar, pulling together snapshots of 2012’s highlights.  I was doing some year-end reflecting yesterday and felt heavy with the knowledge that too much of the past year was spent in my metaphorical “hole”.  But then I see these captured moments of joy spread out before me, and I am reminded that God showed up with his bag o’ blessings in my life time and again this year.  He was there in our lazy summer evenings at Jefferson Park, where we laid on a blanket and drank wine and listened to the Giants beat the Dodgers.  He was there in those precious moments spent with family, in that afternoon that Elise and I spent painting on the sunny porch of our Orcas Island rental.  He was at the California weddings of two of my oldest friends, and he was at Quest Church when Jon and Adrienne said “I do” – He even followed us to their reception, where we all danced until we were sweaty and exhausted, cheeks sore from so much laughter.  He was on Whidbey Island during on the weekend that Shane and I celebrated our sixth anniversary, allowing us to fully absorb just how much we adore each other as we wrapped ourselves in blankets and watched the sun set from our sandy patio.

While I was initially eager to shut the door on 2012 and to focus on looking forward rather than back, instead I’ll pause for a moment to give thanks.  To remember the good stuff.  And to find comfort in the fact that even through the hard times, whether I sensed His presence or not, God still showed up.

Ahhhh, what a very merry Christmas in Portland.  We ate, we lounged, we doted on those two irrestibly sweet little girls.  ‘Tis indeed the season for joy and love and all kinds of thankfulness.

We arrived at Mitch and Kathryn’s on Sunday afternoon, and as usual, Morgan and Elise were quick to warm up to Uncle Shane.  Also as usual, he was wrapped around their little fingers in a matter of seconds – I think he read Good Dog, Carl a total of 14 times in three days.

I had to work a little harder to earn their affection, but it wasn’t anything frosting and cookies couldn’t handle.

We ordered Thai take-out for dinner, played a round of Quiddler, and then were ready to put a bow on Christmas Eve Eve – it had been quite a day.

We were thrilled to see sunshine on Monday morning and headed over to the park for a couple hours of sliding, swinging, and playing in the sand.

Uncle Shane clearly takes the cake as best swing-pusher ever.

The grown-up girls headed out during naptime for a coffee break and a little shopping.  Kathryn, my mom and I strolled down Williams Avenue, ogling the perfect wares at Ink and Peat and then sipping pretty lattes at Ristretto Roasters.

This double-decker dress shop/bus was so…Portland.

My mom whipped up a tasty pot of red lentil and veggie soup for dinner, with some extra special help on the chapati flatbread from two dear little elves.

After dinner, Kathryn, Shane and I loaded the girls in the car and braved the crowds at Peacock Lane to take in all the brightly lit houses and yards.  Morgan and Elise both got a kick out of the whole ordeal – I mean, does it get any better than giant glowing lollipops?

The girls were tuckered out by the time we got home – there wasn’t much resistance to bedtime that night, as we assured them that Santa would be on his way once they were fast asleep.

Elise burst into our room bright and early yesterday morning to shout “MERRY CHRISTMAS!” and urge us to come check out the loot Santa had delivered.  We spent the next hour watching the girls tear into their gifts – Morgan was quick to cuddle and feed her new baby doll and Elise was raring to go on her new roller skates.

The rest of the day was spent lounging around the warm and cozy house as rain fell on a cold, wet Portland.  We played games, we painted with Elise’s new watercolor set, we snuggled up on the couch to watch basketball and doze.

Oh, and for the record, Shane is the favorite for a reason – the lengths that guy will go to for an extra cuddle…  No shame!

I’ve prayed a lot lately for a spirit of gratitude – I’ve mentioned before how hard it can be for me to keep the “don’t-haves” from overshadowing our multitude of blessings.  But my blessings were made so abundantly clear yesterday – a house filled with the giggles of little girls that I love so much it makes my heart ache, the company of a family that makes me feel whole, the tenderness of an incredibly kind and loving husband.  And looking down on all of us, a Savior that came to earth so many years ago to dine with tax collectors and prostitutes, to turn the world’s notion of justice on its head, and to give the ultimate sacrifice.  Because he loves me.

My parents left early this morning and we headed out right behind them.  One final stop at Barista for what may be the best latte I’ve had all year, and then we were homeward bound.

I spent this afternoon in the office and spent this evening unpacking – back to business as usual, I suppose.  I’m hoping my post-holiday letdown can be warded off with chocolate and a living room screening of Love Actually.  I’ll let you know how that goes…

Tomorrow we head to Portland to celebrate Christmas with the Jarrells.  But today?  Today was the Schnell family pre-Christmas Christmas bonanza.  And it was glorious.  Shane and I stayed in bed until 10 am, at which point he rolled out to pick up scones from the neighborhood bakery.  I poured us a couple of glasses of festive-looking green juice, we dug into our breakfast, and then it was time for presents!

There were several gifts under the tree this year to Boo from Boo – I scored a sweet new lens for my camera and Shane was happily surprised with a bottle of fancy absinthe.

It felt good, our little family of two sitting by the Christmas tree and listening to Nat King Cole sing about roasting chestnuts.  So warm and cozy and…right.

I spent the better part of the afternoon in the kitchen, rolling our sugar cookies and making my favorite cranberry cornmeal biscotti.  Can’t wait to decorate these babies tomorrow with Elise!

We headed downtown later in the day to do some shopping and catch a movie.  Shane bought me a couple of pairs of earrings from my favorite boutique and then we walked over to the theater for Silver Linings Playbook, which turned out to be my kind of movie – romantic and sad and happy and just a little bit cheesy.

After the movie, we strolled through downtown, taking in all the Christmas lights one more time before heading to dinner in Capitol Hill.

We capped off the night at home, snuggling on the couch and watching Elf while Shane sipped his spiked eggnog and I ate the cookie cast-offs (no sense in letting that armless gingerbread man and four-pointed star go to waste!).   It was nice to soak in the peace and comfort of home today – I feel rested and thankful and so, so ready to engage in some serious playtime with two very special little girls.  Portland, here we come!

Shane and I had dinner with one of our pastors on Monday night, and as we laid all of our hopes/longings/sorrows out on a table filled with piping hot bowls of pho, she reminded us that we shouldn’t let our dreams for the future get in the way of reveling in the present.  Damn, she’s good.  I get so wrapped in wishing and wanting that I forget how good things can be right now.  We’re young and active and healthy.  We live in an amazing city with all kinds of amazing people.  We have good jobs and a home we love.  And we have boatloads of freedom.  We can jet off for a weekend getaway when the mood strikes us, we can spend an entire Saturday lounging in our pajamas after a long and tiring week, and we can turn tickets to a 7 pm comedy show into an epic night out on the town.  Last night was such a night – we had tickets to see Louis CK at the Paramount and decided to meet up after work for a pre-show bite at Kushibar.  We’ve been wanting to check this place out for awhile, and the big bowls of tonkotsu ramen did not disappoint.  We’ll come back next time with bigger appetites – I wish I’d had room for the fried octopus balls (as in fried balls of octopus meat – don’t be gross)!

We had some time to kill post-dinner, so we popped into Shorty’s on a whim to play some pinball.  This place is pretty divey, but once you get past the sticky floors and the musty odor of whiskey-soaked dudes, it’s a fun joint.  Oh, and I crushed Shane at pinball, for the record.

We made our way from Belltown to the Paramount and could hardly contain our excitement as we settled into our seats.  Shane has been a big fan of Louis CK for years, and I’ve recently come to see past the occasional (err…frequent) crudeness and get a good laugh out of his stand-up.  I had pretty high expectations heading into this – it was our first comedy show and I’d heard from a couple of people that this tour was hilarious.  And wowsers – he hit my high expectations out of the ballpark.  My cheeks hurt from laughing by the time he left the stage.  And then he came out for an encore and I howled some more.  Thanks, Louis – we needed that.

I assumed we’d jump on lightrail and head home after the show was over, but Shane had another whim up his sleeve as he pulled out his phone to look up downtown dessert places.  We walked down 4th Avenue, taking in the decorations and the lights and the clear, crisp night.

We landed at Purple wine bar and after four seconds of perusing the menu, I settled on the creme brulee.  Shane ordered a stinky blue cheese plate and a glass of port, and we sat there for awhile, still chuckling over our favorite Louis jokes and remarking what a fun, random night it had been (the Shorty’s crowd and the Purple crowd are typically not one and the same).

Much love to my man and my city – we should all get together more often.

I remember having a “preach it, sister” moment when Nance shared in c-group a few weeks ago about how hard it can be to hold sorrow and joy in tension, not letting one disallow the other.  This has been particularly difficult for me this holiday season - our unrealized baby hopes have squashed my spirit, leaving me frustrated and broken at a time of year usually marked with thankfulness and cheer.  I’ve had a hard time finding the good in the midst so much sadness.  But I resolved last week to turn it around – to hit pause on my wallowing and enjoy a weekend full of Christmas parties and gift-wrapping and soaking in God’s abundant blessings.  I had my Christmas playlist all queued up, my little black dress picked out for the office holiday party, our cupboards stocked with the ingredients for pumpkin bread and my favorite biscotti.

And then Friday morning happened.  I was out shopping at lunchtime when a friend’s Facebook update popped up on my phone – I saw the words “tragedy” and “children” and pulled up the NY Times to check the latest headlines.  Tragedy didn’t even begin to describe it.  I stood there for a minute on the sidewalk, stunned and suddenly feeling very alone among the crowds that were rushing in and out of stores, chatting and smiling and going about life as usual.  I headed back to my office and nearly came unglued as I read the latest breaking details.  27 people dead.  20 of them precious little children.  Moms, dads, brothers, sisters, teachers facing the loss of so much innocent life.  God, where were you?  It’s hard to find His light in the midst of such suffocating darkness.  It’s easy to feel forsaken and lost.  But I can’t, I won’t forget His promise.  I won’t forget the baby that came so long ago to redeem the world, to defeat death and pay for our sins with His suffering and sacrifice.

It still seems awfully dark out there, but as I stumble and search and cry out to Him, a light flickers as He reveals His ultimate goodness.  I see Him in the stories of the courageous and selfless teachers that loved and protected their students.  I see Him in the candles that were lit across the nation as people stood in solidarity with Newtown.  I see Him so vividly in our community of friends, our “Seattle family”.  He was there when we gathered on Saturday night for our sixth annual fondue party, where we ate and laughed and danced and experienced the joy of belonging.  God is indeed good.  Yes, there will be reasons to weep and mourn and question His ultimate plan, but there will also be reasons to dance.  And I think I’m finally seeing those reasons through the blur of my tears.

We awoke this morning to gray skies and a steady drizzle, which initially had me a bit bummed out, until I realized this was just the excuse we needed to go back to bed for a couple of hours.  No beach-front runs for us today – just plenty of snuggling up to the mister, exchanging mushy greeting cards and wishing each other a Happy Anniversary many times over.  We lingered at the house until check-out time, really not wanting to say goodbye to our little beach-front abode – I’m already checking future availability…  We had planned on an afternoon hike at Deception Pass, but the rain only fell harder as we drove north, so we stopped for a hot bowl of chowder in La Conner for lunch and decided to head on home.  We ended the day with 60 Minutes and a pot of oatmeal for dinner – how quickly the tides turned in our ultra-romantic weekend!

While the life we live is full of so many blessings, it’s also full of little stresses, daily to-do’s, and the general whir of busy-ness.  It felt so, so good to put all that stuff away for a couple of days and shift all of my focus to loving my husband better, taking joy in his humor and thoughtfulness and devotion.  It was refreshing to lavish affection upon one another, to talk about our hopes for the next year and the next fifty years, and to know that we’re really just beginning this grand adventure called marriage.  As hard as it is to come down off a such a perfect weekend, it’s encouraging to remember that we still have so much to look forward to – thousands more “I love you’s”, hundreds more kitchen dance parties, plenty of grand adventures, and a healthy smattering of island getaways.  Happy Anniversary, sweetheart.  Thanks for two days (plus six years) of bliss.

Happy Easter! I’m especially joyful this special Sunday, after a weekend full of sunshine and friends and meaningful time at church. The Good Friday service at Quest was just what I needed to put the work week behind me and shift my focus toward reflection, rest, and the redemptive power of the God I follow. “Good” Friday has always sounded strange to me, considering the fact that it marks a day of such unimaginable suffering and pain, but it’s true that in the midst of sorrow over knowing what Jesus endured, there is deep, deep goodness and comfort in knowing how loved I am. And there was certainly goodness to be found in sitting in the sanctuary and wrestling with sadness and hope and repentance and gratefulness. The Easter “story” felt so abundantly real to me that night.

I was eager to get out of the house on Saturday morning, but feeling a little low on energy due to a cold I’ve been fighting all weekend, so I skipped my morning run and instead settled on brunch at bright and cozy Tilikum Place Cafe. Shane and I were both coming off a full week, so it was good to sit down and focus on genuinely catching up with each other. In the midst of a full calendar, I can forget how nice (and necessary) it is to sit down and pour my heart to that guy, and then to hear him do the same with me.

We spent the afternoon errand-running and doing some things around the house, I baked my most favorite mint chocolate brownies and threw together a pot of soup, and then we headed over to Brian and Nicole’s for dinner with them and precious little Stella. At four weeks old, she’s already a heart-stealer. I restrained myself from holding her due to my sniffles, but got a lot of joy out of Shane’s proud grin as he bounced her to sleep. I expect these two will be great buds someday.

After church this morning, we went to Jason and Nancy’s for festivities with our Seattle family. We watched the little (and big!) kids collect chocolate filled eggs, we ate burgers and bratwursts hot off the grill, and we all chatted and laughed, giddy with the beauty of a springtime Easter day.

We sang these words at church today and my heart was so full of conviction and thankfulness and perfect, boundless peace:

I’m running to your arms
I’m running to your arms
The riches of your love
Will always be enough

Yes, He is enough. And yet, He has given me so much more.

Admittedly, I wallowed a bit on Friday.  But sometimes I need to be down before I can be up again, so my grief wasn’t all for naught – after a bout of heartache, I eventually climb out of my hole and more genuinely appreciate life’s little blessings.  And this weekend was full of these glimmers of goodness…

Like my beautiful latte at Vivace on Saturday morning, sipped over a particularly good book club meeting with the ladies.

And my perfect, moist frosting-topped cupcake, a super-thoughtful little gift from Erica.

My new gray wedges and black heels, cause sometimes shoe shopping really is the best medicine.

Sunday morning brunch with Shane at our favorite cozy Irish pub, complete with Mimosas (for Shane), hot coffee (for me), and thick, crispy bacon (for us).

The satisfying feeling of tiredness that came after a run along Lake Washington.

And then spending the rest of the afternoon in my pajamas, drinking tea and painting and listening to the lastest Coldplay album.

I’m also so thankful for the people in my life that pull me out of that hole when I find I’m too tired to climb out of it myself – the kind comments and text messages and hugs and cupcakes are like new shoes for my soul – merci, friends.